Requiem for a Dying Cell Phone
Dec 22nd, 2010 by Jordan Drew
I had the most perfect cell phone once. We spent two wonderful years together, that phone and I, until I dropped it for like the 80 billionth time, which for me isn’t that abnormal… only this time…
It died.
Not just any death. It hung on for as long as possible, and because I loved that phone, I attempted to nurse it back to health… okay, so not really, but I did try to keep it going as long as I could. See, dropping it that last time had turned it in to the best phone ever! It broke the microphone, and since I’m not a big phone person – that was an added plus for me. I didn’t have to talk to anyone, but if someone wanted to tell me something, they called, and just talked away happily. It was awesome!
Things took a turn for the worse when I was on the highway and unbeknownst to me, my cell phone kept calling my husband. He worried about me until I finally got home two hours later. He said that if it happened again I was getting a new phone. I protested, and he gave me the whole “you are so weird” look, but my phone was forgiven. Things were great for awhile, and then one day our neighborhood lost power, so I called him to let him know.
From. My. Cell. Phone.
After he answered, I started explaining what was going on. I was interrupted by “Babe, are you okay?” It hit me then. He couldn’t hear my chipper tale of the powerless neighborhood. He probably thought I was dead in a ditch somewhere. I hung up, not knowing what else to do.
He called me back trying too hard to sound calm. “Babe, if you’re hurt – call the office right now so I’ll know for sure, and I’ll come look for you.” I felt awful, and there wasn’t anything I could do. At that moment, Fate decided to step in, and the lights came back on.
I dialed his cell, careful not to call the office, just in case they were all waiting by the phone for the dead me to call. I apologized profusely, and said that I deserved to be in a ditch somewhere for making him worry.
“Nope,” he said in a smug voice. “I’m not mad, but you’re getting a new phone.”
I begged, pleaded with him. My phone was the god of phones. You can’t replace the god of phones, man, you just can’t do it!!
He did.
It’s not all bad. Our phones are synched… we have an ongoing chess game, which is fun. And it has a working microphone. It also has GPS so if I ever do drop it, the microphone breaks, it dials him, and he can’t hear me – stalker vision will show him where I am so he’ll know if he should worry. Peace of mind and stalker vision. That’s what new phones are all about… that and the fact that I just took his bishop.
