Random Rantings of Jordan Drew

“You’re dead, Miles,” Felix whispered. “You can’t go home. There is no going back.”

The word smacked him, crashing into him like a wave. He felt the words in the very core of his soul…yet I did know that…somewhere deep inside, I knew. Miles closed his eyes. He saw her clearly then, dancing with him, both of them swaying to music inside their own heads. His arms were wrapped around her waist, and she fit perfectly there. She was made for him – to be in his arms. “I need to get to my wife… my… Izzy.” He didn’t even realize he was moving until he heard Felix fussing behind him. He didn’t stop. He focused his thoughts on his wife… on Izzy.

Felix’s glow became brighter. “Of all the damnable people who come my way, I gotta get half a pair of soul mates. Why the devil they just don’t reap them by the pair is beyond me. One can’t live without the other and the other can’t be dead in peace,” he ranted, looking towards the sky. He stepped in front of Miles, blocking his path. “Look, going back is against the rules. You can’t go back, Miles. You are dead. D-E-A-D, dead. You’ve no heartbeat, you’ve no voice, and you have no body. If you do manage to find your way back, she won’t see you anyway. There are rules!”

He looked at the reaper who was impatiently waiting for him to surrender and follow him. “Screw your rules,” Miles said as he stepped to the side of Felix and continued on his way. It took longer than he thought, but he sighed with relief when he finally reached his house. Felix was still behind him, still complaining about the city and the “they” who were supposedly coming to get him, but he was home, and his mind was less foggy. He tried the front door, but of course it was locked and his keys weren’t in the pocket he’d remembered putting them in. He pulled on every window on the bottom floor, but they too were locked. Miles had a hard time fighting the anger rising in him. The harder he tried to get into the house, the angrier he got… and the clearer his mind became. As he cornered the back of the house, he saw the silver maple tree, and he smiled.

Felix grabbed his arm again just as he took a hold of the tree to climb it. “Damn it, Miles! You’ve had your fun, but now it is time to go.”

“You call this fun? Dead? Forgetting? Worrying? This is fun?” he yelled. “Do you even know what any of this feels like?”

Felix’s face softened. “I know this is difficult for you, and I wish there was something I could do to make this easier … if it helps, yes, I was alive at one point,” he said, placing a hand on Miles’ shoulder. “Alive means you wake up every morning to the same routine, brush your teeth, eat your breakfast, kiss your wife, and walk the dog. You go to work, read the paper, eat dinner, go to bed, and do the same crap over again the next day. Somewhere along the way life happens, and then it’s gone without a warning. You had your turn. Somebody else gets to have theirs for awhile. That is how this works. You can’t go back, and it isn’t her time. The pain will lesson, I promise you. In a week, you won’t even remember who she was or if she ever really existed. There is bliss in ignorance, Miles, but you have to let go now. You have to get to The City. They’re better equipped to help you than I am.”

Miles began climbing the tree he’d planted for his wife, ignoring Felix who stood at the bottom watching him. Miles thought of all the times he’d climbed it before, remembering them one after the other, each memory clearer than its predecessor. He loved that tree almost as much as she… as… Izzy had. Izzy, Izzy, Izzy, Izzy. He repeated her name over and over again in his mind. The window didn’t push open as easily as it used to, but he finally got it opened and crawled inside. Felix appeared before him next to his wife’s writing desk. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest and a look of disapproval on his face. Miles ignored him. He walked around the house, flipping on and off light switches that didn’t work and calling out to his wife. “Iz?”

Felix caught up with him in the kitchen. “She won’t answer. She isn’t here.”

“IZZY!”

“Miles! Give it up. She isn’t here and even if she was, you couldn’t see her. There is a separation between realms. Nothing that was here will work for you anymore.”

“NO! You’re wrong!” Miles held up his wrist in Felix’s face, shoving his watch underneath his nose. “This works.” Angrily, he smacked the light switch on the wall and this time it brought light to the room. Looking back at Felix, he grinned. “You don’t get it, do you? I don’t care about your rules. I don’t care about your city, and I don’t give a damn about you! This is my house and Izzy is my wife!”

“Was, Miles. It is no longer. This place belongs to the living. People with a valid social security card and a corporeal body. Your place is in The City. You will forget, and no matter how angry you get in the interim, it won’t change anything in the long run. You’re wasting time here, and calling the attention of The Others. They will find you and when they do you’ll be escorted to Limbo, and that is not someplace you really want to go. You cannot even imagine the weirdos that hang out in that place, believe you me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, not without telling her I’m okay.” Miles walked back upstairs into the bedroom and sat down on the bed he’d shared with Izzy for years. “I can’t,” he whispered.

Felix sat down next to him. “Explain this to me,” he said with a hint of resignation in his voice. “I don’t understand. Why can you not let her go? Most people in your situation come willingly. The draw to The City is innate in souls of the dead. Why do you ignore it?”

“It isn’t easy,” Miles admitted.

“Then why? Help me make sense of this.”

Miles wiped a tear from his cheek. “It doesn’t make sense. It just hurts. It hurts to think of all the things Izzy will get to remember that I won’t. Things that make me who I am… things that made her love me. Things that will hurt her to remember, things that are killing me to know I won’t remember. I don’t want to forget a single minute of the time I spent with her, and I know that probably doesn’t make as much sense out loud as it does inside my head… suffice it to say, it just hurts.” He looked up at Felix, to gauge his reaction, but Felix was no longer looking at him. He was looking at the window he knew he opened… but was now closed. “Did you close that?” Miles asked him.

“Well this isn’t good,” Felix said, still watching the dark window. Something was happening at the window, but Miles wasn’t quite sure what it was. He stood to get a closer look, but Felix grabbed his arm. “Don’t.”

“Why?” Miles asked. He felt warm suddenly, happy… loved. He was drawn towards the window and that draw was much stronger than any draw he’d felt towards The City. There was a light that hadn’t been there… no… not a light… a flame… a candle in the window to guide me home.

Felix stood. “Miles, stop! Don’t take another step!”

“Can you see it?”

“Damn damn damn! Miles, sit back down. Stay here, I’ll be back in a minute. Whatever you do, do not step into that light, do you hear me?”

Miles sat, but he couldn’t stop staring at the candle. Felix disappeared and less than a minute later, he heard a knock on the front door. The appeal of the flame was too much to ignore. Not a minute passed before he was back on his feet and walking towards the candle. The flame danced, casting shadows on the wall. He smiled, leaning towards the –

“Miles?” her voice sounded like music, giving the shadows something to dance to.

He looked towards her and smiled. Brown… her eyes are brown. The last thing he felt was a train hitting him and knocking him down. Then his world went dark.

Read part three

Read part two

Read part one